Preamble
This story happened as written below.
These thoughts just came to me in the bathtub and I want to share them with you.
In the bathtub, that means taking the first proper bath in two weeks. I was unable to do so because I had broken a vertebra while participating in the police sports examination. Yes, Anarchist Angel had applied to the police, passed the initial screening and the suitability tests only to then break her spine during the sports exam.
Now if you know me, you most likely know me as an avid critic of the police. Perhaps you know that I had become a victim of police officers insulting me, forcing me to change my clothing and even ripping holes in it only to then accuse me of a crime they knew I didn’t commit. I dare to say I have every reason to hate this institution of violence and shameful injustice.
And I do hate the violence and injustice. But how does one cope with that? Avoidance is perhaps the most common way. I’d simply have to pick a different career. I am a studied psychologist in a few weeks, my degree is basically in my hands already. So that would be no issue. I could also move away from Berlin to places with less police presence, lessening the danger of the incident repeating itself or I could change my style and appearance to be less likely to be targeted by such people in uniform.
That would be the easy route.
I could also confront the police even more. Write A.C.A.B. on every wall, torch patrol cars and fight them off wherever possible. That most certainly wouldn’t be a very effective route, though an understandable one if you have suffered injustice and harm through their hands. But it doesn’t suit my character. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see these officers get convicted for what they did and most importantly fired from the job. But justice is not about revenge.
I picked the third route. I face the true enemy: the abovementioned injustice, corruption through power and the system that enables the violence to grow and remain unreprimanded. The flaw is in the system, less so the individuals. To change the sytem, one needs power. I could become a politician and hope for enough success to rewrite laws on policing and public safety. Maybe I will. But for a politician to do that, they need support from within the police. The police is a mighty organization and an odd one on top of it. I often compare it to a sect or cult, as police officers are largely isolated individuals who spend most of their time with other police officers. The training teaches them to fear civilians, creating an ideology in which seemingly everyone is out to get them. It’s trained paranoia. But there is a good handful of people with noble ideas and good character who have joined the police force. Yet they fail to oppose this system, to oppose the senseless violence, nazi structures and brutality enacted through their superiors or colleagues. They need an inspiration, someone they can agree with to feel safer expressing their concerns or criticisms. That is how we can create a debate where at the moment ignorance and denial reign unchallenged.
I want to be that person.
Certainly, this is by far the most difficult route I could’ve chosen and the broken spine does not make it a single bit easier. Neither does the criminal record.
But I don’t make decisions based on whether they’re easy to achieve. I don’t fear challenge. I’m not the first to try and you might ask me “What makes you think you won’t fail like the others have?” and the answer is that I had suffered more than them. Too often in my life I’ve been at a point where death was a potential answer. Sometimes brought onto me by others, sometimes an option for myself to escape the suffering I endured. But I never gave up.
And I never broke character.
Even in the darkest of hours I kept my wits and righteousness. Only once did I bow in favor of relief: Last year when I accepted the fine instead of fighting against it. It would’ve been a useless fight and probably cost me double the money and nerves. But I should’ve fought it because now I have admitted a crime I didn’t commit, I became part of the injustice. It had corrupted me for a brief moment with its threats of extreme violence.
Never again will I allow that to happen. Many people casually say it, but trust me I mean it: I would rather die a gruesome death as an honest, righteous woman of virtue than to become a vassal of injustice again. I fear not what they might do to me. I fear not the criminals, I fear not the police, I fear not the state and I fear not the nazi terrorists who might or might not share the same uniform with me. I will fight against all that is unjust, violent and of corrupted character. And no matter what they do to me, they can never take away my virtuous character. They can torture me, hurt me and kill me. But they can never corrupt me to become one of them.
Of course, there is no guarantee of success. Maybe I will fail like the others. But at least then I can die peacefully, knowing I have given my best to help the world heal.